Why I didn't fight

Hey you wonderful people!

After sharing with you recently about how I'm doing I began to wonder about something. 

When I talk about what's going on with this situation, I leave a lot out. 

I try to stay away from the details, and focus anything I say on the topic as to how it pertains to me only. 

I realize this leaves a lot of grey area.

No, it's not my job or duty to tell you everything, but if you come here to read then I feel I must share the parts of my story that I feel are important.

The topic I'm going to share on today felt like it's an important piece to my puzzle. 

So,

 I'm separated from my husband.

It's weird to write the word husband. I've been without him for the last four months.

The word really has developed into a mere technicality.

Our divorce is in process. 

Wow, that's a big topic to try to begin to write on right!?!
Well it's even stranger with the place that I'm in right now. 

I'm happy....yet I'm separated?

I'm  happy...yet I'm getting a divorce?

I feel like without explanation this can be interpreted in a way that doesn't represent my heart. 

When I married my husband it was my plan to be with him forever.

I married forever. 

Had I known six years would be our expiration date I would not have entered into such an agreement. 

Three years into our marriage a separation occurred. One that I didn't initiate. During the months of that separation I fought for my marriage. I despaired over losing my husband, marriage and family.
We did reconcile. 

Three years later I was faced with the same reality. 

A separation that I did not initiate.

Well the big question was....now what? What are you going to do this time Shannon?

Luckily this time around God and I were big pals, so I went to him. 

I went to him knowing that he knows my heart.

If you read here prior to my separation you would have known how in love I was with my husband. 

How I cherished our marriage and life together. I value marriage, sticking with your mate and don't agree with the "it just wasn't working out" divorces that people get all the time. 

So I went to God, but I went to him in a different way then I really ever had. 

I'm not the girl you'll typically find praying things like "whatever you want God"

I'm the girl you'll find with a detailed list of prayer requests.

This time I went to God as a daughter would go to her Daddy, and I fell on him.

I knew his heart was breaking for me. I went to God as a daughter would go to her dad, knowing that he knew more than her, knowing that he wanted the best for her and knowing that he would some how make it all right, no matter what that ended up looking like.

So this time I went to God with a question.

I didn't ask for my "wish to please be granted"

I went to God saying you know my heart and you know me better than I know myself, lead me through this situation.

I let go of the reins on this HUGE issue and handed them over to God, again because I trusted that he knew what he was doing...Why did I trust this? because I know how he loves me. 

My heart had a season where it wished my husband would come rushing in and tell me that he had taken a crazy pill and didn't mean it...but he didn't, and that was ok. 

It was ok because I trusted God.

As the days continued on and I didn't get the "let's work it out" phone call I went back to God.

Ok God, what are you doing here?
It was time for a check in with him....like are you sure you know what you're doing God?

He responded with reminding me how much he loved me.
He cherished me.

God is love
1 John 4:16

We can talk all day about the true meanings of love, and in fact we have many times before.
but if God is love,then that means he is loving, and all he does, or does not do will be out of that love for us. 

He laid it on my heart that the way I'm loved by Him is the way I'm intended to be loved by my husband.

My marriage did not reflect this reality.

Did that suck?
ummmm, YEAHHHHHH LIKE REALLY BAD!
I've had my days for sure...many of you know because you've received the text messages saying so.

I didn't want my marriage to end, but God did not put our pieces back together.
He has moved us in different directions.

All the while he worked on my heart to assure me that if this relationship was not going to be restored,
 he still knew the desires of my heart and that what was lost through this marriage ending,
would be restored in another more abundant and full way in the future.

So I'm at peace. I didn't need to fight...I've got God working out the details and putting my pieces back together, and because of that I have peace.

Luv ya friends!