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It IS a big deal....and the lessons learned


So I'm learning a lot about myself....
I seem to be learning the same things over and over, but each time to a deeper degree. 
I know that I've touched on this subject a bit before....
God must be molding me in such a delicate way...each time taking me deeper into myself...showing me more.
Nicking small pieces off of me as we go along. 
The title of my blog is so ironic, and so fitting at the same time. 
Being ok with being imperfect is like the hardest thing in the world for me to do.

Even as I begin to dive into this story today I want to stop myself...
"You're really going to talk about your divorce...againnnnnnn!?!
 I'm the girl who doesn't want to draw attention to myself...I want to focus on you, not me...
I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me and I don't want to be negative....

However, I've been living a bit too much by this philosophy....
{via}

When I really felt more like this...
but the truth of matter is my heart is absolutely broken....like bro-ken!!! 

Despite everything I've been doing and trying to tell myself, this whole separation, getting a divorce thing is a big freakin' deal!! That might sound like a total duh statement to you, but it's a realization for myself. I've always known it was a big deal somewhere in my heart, but at the same time I have down played the depths of what all this meant...denied that I should hurt as much as I did/do...denied that I should talk openly about it again....denied that I was really hurting....denied that I really lost something big.
I've denied it all...I've shoved it under the rug....because admitting that it is a big deal, is me admitting that I'm struggling. That I'm not doing perfect. 

But wait, Shannon Q. doesn't struggle....she marches on...she looks at a situation and spins that sucker until she finds the bright spot in it....I don't allow myself to see or feel nearly any negative or dwell on less than perfect ideas. The reason for that being, honestly because I'm afraid of being stuck there. I'm afraid that it "marks" me or labels me as someone who doesn't have it together...I think we all know or have known someone we'd put in that category. I just never, ever, ever want to be there...
Again, while this thinking does have it's place...it can get off track...and mine I'm finding has gotten off track.
 It's put me in a place of not allowing myself to be real. 

Sometimes I sit and think "wow, how does one deal with the fact that the one person who promised you forever...promised to never leave you....PROMISED to walk through life with you, breaks all of that? What do you do when the one you trusted would be there with you walks away? How do you deal with the fact that your best friend is just gone? How do you deal with knowing all the plans you had will never happen, how do you deal with the fact that this person now has someone else? 
There really isn't a way around seeing that all of that...IS A BIG FREAKIN' DEAL!!

I had the biggest promise of my life to date, broken....it's crazy to think that I would be or should be doing perfectly after something like that! Up until now I haven't allowed myself to even look at that broken promise...my attitude was, "ok...that's that...move forward!
and once again, while not wallowing in what happened might be a good thing, not feeling my way through the issue probably wasn't a great thing either. 

But here is what I'm being shown....
The moral of the story here is not about the divorce or any specific issue...the moral is that there is a balance that I have to allow myself between feeling the truth of things while moving forward. I can't continue to do one without the other. I need to learn to become ok with admitting I'm less than perfect on some days...admitting this to myself as well as to others. Admitting this doesn't mean that I'm helpless, or hopeless...it just means I'm human. It doesn't mean that "this is me" it just means that this is an off day. Accepting this and walking this out is going to allow more peace for myself and most likely allow others to come along side me and help, hug and just be there for me and with me....and that, is a pretty awesome thing. 

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