F bombs and Christmas Trees....a real life Christmas tree adventure

Did you read that post, the one where I joked about the times when it sucks to not have a husband? Well it's time to pick up that conversation....only this time, forget the husband, the complaint is simply when you have to do crap that you'd rather not have to. You know, the "guy jobs". This particular job is in regards to putting up the yearly family Christmas tree. 

Now that our freakin' tree is standing, {nearly straight}, a glass of wine has been sipped, and the lights are on ....the story can now be laughed about....during the time of this all occurring, if I caught you laughing I might have punched you in the face a tiny bit. #kindajoking

Before I share my story, let me first ask you....WHYYYYY on earth people find it ok to charge $20 dollars for a tree stand? In my opinion the things shouldn't be over 5 bucks!! I ended up getting the tree guy to give me the "deal" which was $15 dollars instead of $20. I'm now an extremely proud owner of my very own tree stand....one in which I plan to keep FOR----EVERRRRRRR! I left the tree lot with a 5 foot tree, a  stand and $60 missing from my wallet. Somehow I was already ticked by how this was going. 

The tree made its way into my house pretty easy and I envisioned this tree being up in a moments time....

Attempt 1: 
put tree on side, push tree stand on trunk, twist screw holders in place, stand tree up. Tree proceeds to want to lean like a drunk person to the left. 

Attempt 2:
 unscrew tree trunk holders, call kid to help, kid holds tree, re-screw tree holders in place, tell kid to let go of the tree, tree flops over to the left, ask kid to return to bedroom and then seriously ask yourself WTF!?

drag tree to the location it will be in the house {because that will totally make it stand straight}, get chair to prop tree up on so that you can put stand on and have it be level. Try to remove tree screw holders, they are turned in very tightly, kid brings you wrench, you'd rather use your fingers because now it's you vs. this tree stand!, remove screw holders, place stand on tree trunk, realize that branches are in the way of trunk sitting in tree stand correctly, decide the most logical way to remove them is with a butter knife {because you have not yet invested in your own set of freakin' power tools} saw various branches off with butter knife, place tree stand on trunk, screw tree holders in place, stand tree up, tree is pretty straight, push and slightly kick tree, tree gets straighter. 

Finally:
Step away and admire your accomplishment, then look at your sap covered black hands...
think again to yourself WTF, order pizza, and decorate the tree with your kid!