....the evening had been a great one, complete with smiles and laughter. Then, at one point during the evening I found myself in a conversation that involved questions similar to these: "Shannon, who exactly are you? Shannon, what exactly do you know, what are you specialized in? What is your life?" Who was asking me these questions? Me, I was asking them of myself.
As I sat at a table listening to conversation about this and that, I began to think about myself, my life and where it had been over the last decade. What had I been doing all those years? At that exact moment it felt like it all equaled a big nothing. It felt like a big nothing because I don't have a degree of any sort hanging on my office wall and that's because I don't have an office of my own. I don't work for a fancy company, I have yet to take a college course and I do not have a career. Sometimes when I look at reality in that frame it kinda smacks me in the face and makes me wanna just go ahead and go to bed....so honestly I silently sulked for a few as I felt the feelings of not "measuring up" to what I felt the world says I should do, say, have and be at this stage in life.
Then slowly....although I will never be provided a framed credential for my area of study, I started to realize that I do in fact have quite a background and knowledge in what I feel is an extremely important area. What had I been doing over the last 10 years?
Sowing into a family...
Fighting a big fight...the one of believing in, fighting for and devoting myself fully to family, children and marriage.
I majored in raising a young boy who called me mom to grow into a great young man with a minor in being a devoted and honoring wife in a world that promotes self. My heart knew the world was off track in their approach to how easily family, children and marriage were dismissed, and so when life brought me to a place where I was in the role of mother and wife my passion became to fight for and build an incredibly strong family culture of my own. I took being mom, wife and having a family as seriously as a college student would take their courses. I read books, studied, listened, made notes, talked to people...I studied family, I studied marriage, and relationships. I studied children and education. I did not care about venturing off into the career world and making a name for myself or finding some power job. Day in and day out I lived my major.
The hard part for me is taking this mommy and wifey role out into the world, and as I said, feeling in my heart that it sometimes doesn't measure up to a fancy set of letters behind my name, or gets viewed as not much more than a menial and semi mindless set of tasks that could hardly be called a profession or gleam with any real value.
I try to remind my heart that I am not defined by any one thing, not the greatest worldly accomplishment or my worst moment here on earth. I'm defined only as God's daughter...the one who he's given a special assignment to, many assignments in fact. All distinctly unique to me because of who I am and what he's put in my heart. The last decade of growing my heart and pursing preservation of family and raising a child well are not a small and insignificant things. Will I go on to do a lot of great things in this lifetime? I'm certain that I will. I need only to continue to remind myself to not be thrown off or look down on my track because it looks different than another. As long as I'm living with passion and know that I'm doing the task I'm meant to be doing...my life will have been one that was well lived.
