When you fall

Hey friends,

Thank you for those comments on my last post where I shared briefly and honestly where I was at. 

You gave me permission per say to use this blog to share with you the truth. Can I admit that even though you've told me it's ok....it's still incredibly hard to think about doing that! 

Before coming to my blank blogspot screen I went through my blog roll where I saw new babies, husbands, influence conference and fun God stories.....

You guys I feel like I am the dark cloud of the blogging world! I so badly wish I had a super happy, or funny story or victory. I wish that I could tell you the latest amazing sesh I just had hangin out with God....but I haven't had that, and that makes me feel crappy.

It's blah, it's not exciting in fact life right now is down right scary. 

I struggle??? But I've got God right?...then why should I be scared??....

those super christian girls aren't scared, what am I doing wrong here? 

But me, right now I'm scared, I feel alone. And God, although I know is working...feels far away. 

Over the last year I've been clawing to gain some ground and get my footing, which I guess would be a natural thing to do if you had just lost almost everything you had, down to your pet cat! I finally felt that I was gaining that footing until about two weeks ago. I feel I've lost my ground...but with this feeling my eyes have been opened to a much wider picture, which I know is an amazing thing...painful, yes...but I trust it will bring beauty. It has to. 

For the last year I've been in survival mode. My nose has been to the grindstone figuring out one issue or difficulty after another. Seriously...it's been one thing after another. While your nose is down you don't have too much time to look up and really see where your heading. Yes, you look up here and there and make sure you're not about to fall off a cliff...but you're not stopping and looking out ahead of you to see what paths you want to take ahead or what the best options are....you're too busy plowing on. This was me. I wasn't doing anything "wrong" in fact I was doing everything right....I just never stopped long enough to get a good vantage point for me and to check in with the big picture. Why? Because I was afraid of standing still....I had to handle business....I had to be in charge of how my life fell into place. In the world I think this is admirable, and I definitely agree that this type of "get it done" attitude has it's place....My problem was that I never checked in with God to see if what I was doing was what he'd have me doing. During the times I wondered if I was leading my life too much I convinced myself that I had to....because God's timing scared me....What if it all takes longer than I want it to? I still don't know what the perfect balance of letting him work in our lives and taking personal responsibility is....

I just know that I need to figure out how to let go and let God a bit more. 

I see that the relationship I had with God, while it might have been ok, or maybe even good {doubtful}....was far from great. I came to the point where drawing closer to him meant that I needed to trust him more and I wasn't ready to do that. I wasn't ready to give up my control to him. I put relationship aside and went ahead with my "life agenda" and putting that together as I saw fit. 

Life has pulled my nose away from the ground, it has woken me and asked me to look at what lays behind me....and has opened me up to ask the question, "ok God, what lies ahead of us"I still have much work to be done...more so than before...but my perspective has changed. My heart has changed. My pace, although I still plan to move like a busy bee, has slowed enough to include looking beyond the moment to the future and doing my best to move with God instead of around him or ignoring him all together.