I can't tell you how much reflection and eye opening stuff is happening in my world right now. I feel a continuous wave of emotion....some good, some not so good, but all are showing me something. I see my nature had become one of extreme independence. Although I don't feel I chose this life consciously, I do clearly remember the day I was told by someone who had my heart that my mood, temperament, feelings, were holding them back. Me, as I was, was not allowing someone to thrive. In some shape or form was an "issue" for another. The pain of receiving this message broke and confused me.I was "too much" Wow, as I write those words out I can I remember that day so clearly.
I can remember exactly how much it stung.
I can remember exactly how much it stung.
Soon after that I must have decided to go inward with my feelings because they hurt others...they were too much for others...I had to deal with whatever "issue" I had by myself. So I pretended. I pretended I was perfect, because perfect didn't have issues. Perfect didn't have the wrong emotions or too much to say. Perfect didn't rock the boat. Perfect allowed for smooth seas and to fly under the radar. So I attempted to do life on my own. This "perfect" outside might have worked on the surface for others, but it didn't work on the inside, although even I thought it did most of the time...But I continued to have emotions. {crazy right!!} Everything remained...the thoughts, feelings, and emotions, now they just went un-cared for. When I did notice I was experiencing an emotion, I began to analyze my feelings from every angle I could see them in attempt to find out why I was having or feeling them. I convinced myself that they had to be wrong. Something was wrong with me.
I am too much.
At some points in life it appears you can live a life on your own. When life's at a smooth sailing point, but when the storms come it kinda becomes obvious that you really will drown if you don't reach out.
Unless you're scared....scared to be hurt, scared to be left, scared to be a burden, scared to be imperfect....scared.
So I went through many times where I did all but drown...I was wiped out keeping up the front of perfection and drowning in the truth of what my heart truly felt.
But for the first time in a huge and real way I'm seeing that this is not the intended way to live...to be.
That I am not to much, not now and not ever. Not during the times when I've been most whole, or during the times of being broken in more pieces than are countable. Not during the times of emotional waves or during the times or smooth and gentle sailings. I believed a lie.
Hiding, living alone, and without emotion robbed me of strength, joy, reality, and depleted me. It turned me into a crappy robot, as no human was made to live emotionless. It robbed me of relationship and connection.
. ![]()
Others were robbed in that they only got a portion of me. The perfect portion, they got the lie.
They didn't get the opportunity to embrace me, to come along side me. They didn't get to help me. They didn't get to do life with me in a real and authentic way, which I'm learning now is something most people actually want to do! They want to help, they want to be there when it's good and when it's bad, they want to do real life with me. I am not too much.
I also wasn't doing anyone any true favors pretending to be perfect, without trouble or emotion. I presented an unrealistic image of a woman, a wife and a mother. I don't have a zillion people watching my life but we all do have someone or a group who are silently watching and observing how we do this thing called life.
The presentation of perfection is nothing but harmful for everyone involved.
So another layer of perfection and of hiding is being peeled away, and this one was a biggie for me! When this lie came to the light and I saw it for what it was, I really felt the bondage it held me in begin to melt away. I am not too much.
