When those bad feelings come back...

We haven't talked divorce here in a while, and I think that's because for one: there hasn't been a lot of new news. I still remain technically married although each time I open my 2 inch thick folder of divorce documents and work on them, we get closer and closer to being finalized.

{early morning meetings at the court house to prepare divorce documents is always a great way to start the day}

The other reason I haven't spoken on the subject much I think is because I haven't had much to say. The periods of time of feeling emotion in regard to divorcing have become farther and farther between,  more mild and shorter each time they come upon me. That being said..the "separation/divorce" piece is still a part of my life puzzle. I continue to need to pick it up, look at it, turn and twist it...and attempt to place it back into my life. It still doesn't fit 100%. This means I'm still healing. 

When the separation was a current event in my life last year I remember going to a friend who had divorced and asking her how long this was going to take me. I wanted to know the time frame of when I was going to be "fine" She told me it took her somewhere around 8 months. I hated that answer. I also took that answer to mean that I too would be "normal" again in that amount of time. 

Well, here I am, one year and a few weeks later in my process and here's what I've come to see and understand. This is something that for me, is going to take a good chunk of time to work through. But, the process and time to wholeness after divorce is something that I've become more and more ok with. I recognize the depth of how big the event of losing a marriage is. If you cared for it like I did, then it's a devastating loss that has many layers and feelings that are going to accompany healing from it. It's not a process that can be rushed. I don't know when my "end date" will be. I'm here a year later and although I wouldn't say I hurt much anymore, I still very much have feelings and emotions that I continue to work with in regard to my husband, our marriage, the circumstances of our separation and our relationship at this current point in time. 

The first 6 months of separation were extremely hellish on me for multiple reasons. The emotions that ran through me during that course of time were intense to say the least. Thankfully though, as with everything else most of those emotions did subside or mellow...until recently. 

If you don't know the bullet points of my separation that's ok...the main point is that there was a great deal of loss in many ways for me in a very small amount of time, and currently I seem to be reliving this time and the feeling of those losses. There seems to be a part of me, that feels in a way...empty. The details of the feelings all remain fuzzy so I do not know the cause, the reason, or the why to any of it. All I know is I feel a lull, a dull tinge of heartache...a feeling that somewhere, for some reason my heart is dully aching.

This shows me that there is still "work" to be done. By work I mean healing, processing. A divorce or ending of a relationship is not "flat" but instead very multi-dimensional. In my experience I'm not able to just glide across all issues once and be done. While time does and has healed things, it also has had the ability to change emotions or feelings on things I thought were done and dealt with causing me to re-examine, re-process and once again attempt to lie the divorce piece down once and for all in my life puzzle.